Two Words That Will Change Your Life

Perfectionism, as defined by the Merriam-Webster Dictionary is a disposition to regard anything short of perfection as unacceptable. I see this with individuals of all ages, from the child who has a melt down because their art project doesn't look just right, to the teen who has an eating disorder because she feels in adequate, to the mom who feels like she has to stay on top of everything in the household or things will fall apart, to the professional who is driven to achieve success, yet never feels satisfied. I believe that the drive to be perfect is so ingrained in our culture from the media's portrayal of perfect homes and bodies on TV and in magazines; to our homes, where parents struggle to work, pay the bills, keep a tidy house, take their children to endless activities and appointments, monitor homework, and make last minute baked goods for the fundraiser at school. What are the implications of living a perfectionist life and what can you do about it? People who feel the need to be perfect judge their value based upon what they have achieved. If they fail to meet their expectations on one aspect of a project they may consider the whole project a failure. These individual's cultivate their self-worth based upon the outcomes and compare themselves against these standards (self-imposed, yet influenced by what others look like, have, or achieved). We are all guilty of this to some extent, yet when this is the sole way we operate it becomes a concern, because whatever you do will never be good enough.You will either chase more and more things to make you feel happier, or you may just not try at all doing things that may potentially embarrass you or expose your inability. As a parent you have a tremendous influence upon your child and if you seek perfectionism by trying to be, do, have it all, your child will do the same. If you convey to your child their self-worth is linked to what they do or how they act, you have modeled perfectionism. Rather that praising outcomes, like rewards for good grades, parents can emphasize qualities the child exhibited to achieve their goals, such as persistence and dedication. Life is a learning process, and by demanding or criticizing when things aren't just right (for your standards) you diminish learning opportunities. So rather that stepping in to solve a problem for your child or rescue them from "doing it wrong", give them an opportunity to try, offer support by asking them what they need from you. Yes, this may lead to a poor grade, a messy room, or a sibling conflict, but the rewards are so much bigger- developing problem solving skills, learning natural consequences, and the realization that what you do is different from who you are. As an adult if you were raised with high expectations or critical parents who didn't teach you to problem solve but told you what to do instead, you may be a perfectionist. Your need for order and control may prevent you from having meaningful vulnerable relationships because of your fears that your imperfections may be exposed. Many people who are perfectionists stay really busy to avoid some of the deep feelings they have. They may be fearful of being overwhelmed with emotions, and choose to shut down or shut off their feelings. What you need to know is that your desire for psychological safety keeps you from having wonderfully open relationships. It also keeps you chronically feeling bad, because you are never good enough. Here's the secret, it's truly about self-acceptance and self-love. When you are able to embrace all aspects of yourself, things you consider both good and bad, you open the door to living a more fulfilled and happier life- not only for you, but those around you too. So here are the two words that will change your life: good enough. If you want to explore this deeper take out some basic art materials and a big piece of paper. Make a line down the middle of the paper. On the left side make a drawing or use collage images to create an image of your critical self (however that may look) and the right side make an image of your accepting self. See what the image and the process uncovers. Practice this week saying "good enough" when you are trying too hard to do things just right. If you'd like to learn more, click here for an easy to read article in Psychology Today. Woman with Flower by Naomi Long Madgett I wouldn't coax the plant if I were you. Such watchful nurturing would do harm. Let the soil rest from so much digging And wait until it's dry before you water it. The leaf's inclined to find its own direction; Give it a chance to seek sunlight for itself. Much growth is stunted by careful prodding, Too eager tenderness. The things we love we have to learn to leave alone.

Art Therapist and Employment

If you are a creative arts therapists in this economy is easy to fall into the belief that you cannot survive or thrive during this time. I am here to burst your bubble- you are absolutely wrong! Actually this is an amazing time to create opportunity and people are hungering for what you have to offer, but you may not know this.

Instead you may be stuck in limiting beliefs that you can't find work, it doesn't pay enough, they don't recognize your credentials, they want you to do things that you find, well..uumm rather insulting. I know this because when I left school with my Master's degree I remember going through the same steps. It was a bad economy, there were no art therapy jobs in the newspapers, and the places that were hiring wanted me to run BINGO. I kept banging my head over and over, thinking this can't be it! All this work and education so I can run BINGO?


The frustrating thing for me was as much as I searched there were no easy steps to take, no one pioneering the way- offering a chance to learn from what they learned. Well 0ver 10 years later I figured it out. I learned that there are things that you can to to rocket yourself professionally, and really it's not that hard (once you figure it out). Instead I spent years and THOUSANDS of dollars putting it together, so that others in the profession had a bright light to guide them through the fears and rejections to what is possible.

I want to share with you some groundbreaking information because I truly want to uplift the thinking and the status of our profession as creative arts therapists. I want to save others from the headaches and the heartaches of doing it alone.

So if you are If you are tired of working so hard to explain what creative arts therapy is and running into obstacles over and over again?

And you are ready to shift your mindset from lack, limitation, and struggle to what is possible- more ease, more success, and more money?

Come and join the Creativity Queen, an art therapist who created an AWARD WINNING business, on a FREE 30 minute call to help you see what is possible.


• Ready for more ease?

• Ready to make more money?

• Ready for more Free time?

CLICK HERE to Sign up for this FREE CALL


Hope to meet you on the call!

Art Therapy, Clarity, and Transformation

If you are in a place of being suck, you know what it feels like to try things over and over again and still feel like you are emotionally and physically stuck. Art therapy offers a gift for those in transformation, an opportunity to see things differently. It is when we are able to look at our problems in a new light that we often get the"ah-ha" moment that leads to clarity and change. So you can access pre-verbal awareness, the part of your brain that processes information quickly and is linked to intuition and synthesis of ideas, through the creative process.


If you seek to see your situation from a different perspective use some simple materials such as markers, pencils, chalks, oil pastels, or crayons and create an image of all the different ways you could view the problem you are encountering. Be playful with this, you can even add 3-dimensional things like sticks, clay, play dough, feathers, pipe cleaners to explore what is possible. This accesses your divergent possibilities thinking, which may help you gain some clarity. After making art go for a walk or do an activity that allows your mind to wander, come back and journal on your insights- you'll be surprised by what comes up.


If you'd like more juicy creative ideas join us for a FREE LIVE teleclass:
click here to find out more information

Don't worry if you can't make it, register and you'll be able to download and listen to the mp3 any time after the date.

Positive Psychology and Ways to Live a Happier Life!

I am a huge fan of Positive Psychology and the study of happiness, something you'll will be hearing about more and more in the news. The reason I want to share this with you is because there's some really great information you can use in your life to positively impact you and your family. The European Network for Positive Psychology describes Positive Psychology as researching optional functioning, moving towards what is right, rather than traditional pathology orientation of what is wrong (Pointon, 2006). The emphasis of Positive Psychology is to move towards happiness, affecting physical well-being, decreasing symptoms, increasing coping skills and adding to a longer, quality filled life. American Psychologist, Martin Seligman, and his fellow researchers (Park et al., 2005) emphasize three routes to happiness: pleasure (enjoyment), engagement (active pursuit of hobbies, work, family), and meaning (using strengths for larger good). Their research suggests that individuals who purse a life of all three, with emphasis on engagement and meaning are those that claim to be most happy. It's interesting to note that we have a bit more control over our happiness than we might imagine. The research suggests that 50% of our happiness is biological, that means 50% can be changed by our behaviors and thoughts. Interestingly enough it's NOT the external things like money and a nice car that make us happier. In fact research by Edward Diener, suggests that wealth, education, age, marital status, and weather had little influence on overall happiness. Those who reported increased levels of happiness were those with social and relationship ties, including religious community and personal relationships. So what's the take away? We have much more control over our happiness than we could ever imagine and after getting our basic needs met, STUFF really doesn't make us much happier. Here are 4 things you can do to live a happier life: 1. Form Relationships: Spend time with people you care about, connect with community programs, volunteer, get involved with a religious community, visit with others, plan family nights. It is so simple, yet many of the children and adults I see feel isolated and alone. If you get involved with others and are willing to be open and receptive to have a positive relationship, you will feel happier! 2. Gratitude Visit: Write a letter to someone you are thankful for expressing how they have contributed positively to your life. Go and deliver this letter in person. The research by Park et al., 2005 suggests you will feel happier for a month upon doing this. 3. Three Good Things in Life: Write down three things you are grateful for each day. I know it sounds trite, but the research suggests that this intervention reduced depressive symptoms and increased happiness for six months (Park et al., 2005). How simple! 4. Using Signature Strengths in a New Way: Signature Strengths are the things that you like doing and you are good at doing. Seligman suggests there are 24 Character Strengths. You can visit University of Pennsylvania's Positive Psychology Center's website to measure your signature Strengths. When you find out your strengths, if you use them in a new and novel way you'll likely yield long-term change in affect (you'll be happier) for up to six-months (Park et al., 2005). Now that's something to happy about! More about Positive Psychology: Park, N., Peterson, C., Seligman, M. E., & Steen, T.A. (2005). Positive psychology progress: Empirical validation of intervention. American Psychologist, 60, 410-421. Pointon, C. (2006). Positive Psychology. Therapy Today, 17, 4-7. Wallis, C. (2005). The New Science of Happiness. Time Magazine.

7 Tips to Make Life Less Fearful

FEAR- its a big topic these days. I'm seeing so many children, teens, and adults impacted by fear. Whether it is fear from a weak economy, fear from not doing things good enough, fear of embarrassment, or fear of spooky things in the closet, fear impacts everyone. With Halloween right around the corner you may want to use this as an opportunity to explore your (and your children's) fears.

All the Halloween decorations are a great opportunities to talk about things that are scary. Create open opportunities to explore what things you or your children are afraid of. By gently asking what kind of things are you scared of you may uncover some areas you can grow more. The creative tips below will help you create emotional safety as you explore your (and your children's) fears.



7 Tips to Make Life Less Fearful

Fear has rippled through the economy and impacted daily choices. How has it impacted the average household and what are some creative ways to reduce stress for the whole family?

As much as you would like to belive that adult worries do not impact your whole family, it's just not true. Children are tuned into their parents moods and actions. This occurs from the attachment bonds as babies and continues throughout the parent child relationship. When there is uncertainty in the household it impacts the whole family and creates a sense of feeling psychologically unsafe. You can use some of these tips to help create a feeling of safety and consistency even during fearful times.

1. Keep a schedule:
I can't stress this one enough. I know that life is filled with unexpected events that can change a schedule at any moment: however creating a schedule and doing your best to maintain it provides consistency and safety.

2. Follow through with meaningful rituals:
When families face crisis there is a tendency to isolate from others and most rituals and celebrations are diminished. It is important to honor celebrations, even at times when things are difficult. The celebration does not need to be "fake" or pretending things are fine if they are not. Instead find a way to honor the person or situation in a respectful and loving way.

3. Stay connected:
Fear, loss, and embarrassment often leads to withdrawal from others. Stay open and connected to others even in time of great difficulty. This is a powerful opportunity to allow others to support you and will deepen the relationship.

4. Do not impose adult problems on your children:
You child does not need to know the specifics about the stress you may be encountering. It is not helpful for you to share with your child your financial worries or job worries. You do not need to share specific details with your children. For instance if they ask for something you cannot afford you can answer with,
"We are choosing not to buy that right now", rather than, "We can't afford that, you know things are really hard right now and we do not have extra money for you to get whatever you want".

5. Be open without being fearful:
You can model open communication with your family without giving a message of fear. If you are talking about the state of the economy or about someone who lost their house or job you can clarify how your family is safe. For example, "That happened, but we have a savings account, a good job, our home, and each other".

6. Listen and normalize:
Sometimes listening is enough, without trying to problem solve. You can normalize feelings by letting your child know that adults have feelings like worry, fear, sadness, anger too. Talk about how it is normal to have these feelings and different ways they can express these feelings, such as journal writing, talking to a friend, petting the dog, going for a walk, etc.

7. Do something:
Cognitive behavior therapy suggests that doing something different or thinking something different will influence how you feel. If you want to reduce the worries and fear it's time to take action. Turn off the bleak news and do something pleasurable. Have an art night scheduled where everybody in the family makes something together. This is a great way to build relationships, have fun, while doing something emotionally positive and teaching valuable self-soothing skills.

Ten Tips to Help Your Children Transition Through Divorce'

I keep hearing from families, "what can I do to improve my child's self-esteem so they feel better about themselves"? This is an important topic because a sense of self impacts your child's daily choices and perception of themselves. This will show up in your child's life in dilemmas such as who will I sit with at lunch, can I speak up when I feel someone is being rude, can I disagree with someone I like and still be friends, if they don't like me will that mean I am unlovable, if I make a mistake am I stupid? The power of these thoughts impact your child's self-concept. I see many adults who still struggle with these thoughts because their sense of self is dependent upon how others respond to them.

You can help your child develop their self-esteem not by excessive praise and overcompensation, but by providing them with opportunities for learning and mastery of new thoughts and actions. Mastery builds self-confidence and self discipline, these are the foundations for a positive sense of self.


If you would like to help your child learn these valuable skills sign up here for our Social Skill Building Art Group.




Feature Article: "Ten Tips to Help Your Children Transition Through Divorce"

I realize this article may not apply to all those who read my blog, yet it may be quite applicable for those families that have experienced any type of big stressors such as a family move, loss of job, loss of important friends, family illness or death, or other changes that impact the household.

Each year, more than 1 million children experience the divorce of their parents. Divorce rates peaked in 1979–1981 at 5.3 per 1000 persons and decreased by 1995 to 4.4 per 1000 persons. Approximately 50% of first marriages and 60% of second marriages end in divorce (Cohen, American Academy of Pediatrics). Moreover, the American Psychological Association notes that children of stepfamilies face higher risks of emotional and behavioral problems. Scary statistics, however, there are things you can do to help your children during a time of transition. It is important to use age appropriate explanations. Children often believe they are the cause of divorce or they can fix it. These ten tips will help your children adjust:

1. Never force your child to take sides or involve your child in an argument.

2. Don't criticize or fight with you ex in front of your child. If your child overhears you arguing explain that sometimes people say hurtful things when they are upset, however there are better ways to communicate your feelings. Discuss your concerns with your ex when your child is not present. It is not helpful to bring them into your arguments or adult discussions.

3. Respect the relationship they have with the other parent. It is important to let your children show their love to both parents and spend time with each without feeling guilty. Provide your child with reassurance that both their parents still love them even though they may only be living with one parent at a time.

4. You children know more than you think they know- so talk with them early on and often.

5. Create safety by listening and trying to understand their point of view. Don't try to rescue, overcompensate (by doing or giving them things), or problem solve. The best thing you can to is listen as they express their feelings, without judgment.

6. Be open about what is happening without giving too much unnecessary information. For example, "Your father and I are having problems and we need to separate because we cannot get along with each other".

7.Let you child know that it is not their fault and they cannot fix the problem.

8. Do not blame your ex-spouse. This creates a problem with alliances. Your child needs you to model healthy boundaries so they do not become co-dependent, feeling like they need to be responsible for another's well being.

9. Create a schedule. Children crave consistency; it is the way that they feel psychologically and physically safe. Keep a routine, even amongst the transitioning between households.

10. Let them know they are loved and you are willing to listen and try your best to answer questions they have.

Click here for more information from the AMERICAN ACADEMY OF PEDIATRICS.
Impacts of Divorce Throughout the Developmental Stages

Art Therapy and Social and Emotional Management

Lack of self-worth, social anxiety, personal boundary issues, and social inhibition have been linked to poor social competency. What other attachment factors influence psychosocial development?



Bacon and Richardson (2001) suggest that the impact of physical and sexual abuse effects a child’s development of secure attachments and may lead to insecure anxious attachment, dissociation, antisocial or offending behavior, disorganized attachment, or intergenerational cycles of insecure attachments. There is a suggestion that children who have suffered from traumatic experiences lack reflexivity and are unable to develop an understanding of their and other’s mental states. Therefore, it is suggested they do not develop a “theory of the mind” and lack the ability to understand social-emotional needs in themselves and others.

Moreover, it is suggested that a theory of the mind, an understanding of another’s thoughts and feelings, is necessary to develop social competence (Villianueva Badenes, Clemente Estevan, Garcia Bacete, 2000). A child who processes social information such as reading body language, other’s intentions, emotions, and cues are believed to be more socially adaptable. It is believed that exposure to sociocultural activities and experiences with peers and family helps the child develop a theory of mind. Arranz, Artamendi, Olabarrieta, & Martin (2002) suggest a multicausal developmental approach to explain family influence on theory of the mind development. Consideration of family factors such as siblings, birth order, family size, attachment to caregiver may influence theory of mind development. Arranz et al. ( 2002) suggest the influence of family context on cognitive development. This is based upon Vigotsky’s work linking social interactions with cognitive development.


Azar (2002) suggests the research on pretend play is associated with social development. It has been theorized that children develop a theory of mind between ages of three and five and creative play may assist child in understanding that thoughts influence actions and emotions. Does pretend play support thinking as another would before a child fully comprehends another’s thoughts? The use of playing roles allows a child to emulate what they see others do. For example playing mother to a doll the child may respond to the hungry baby by feeding it. This type of creative play allows children to put themselves in another person’s situation and respond as they would, suggesting a development of theory of the mind. Can a child utilize the creative art process to strengthen the understanding of social interactions? From the work I’ve done with children, especially those who exhibit inflexibility, poor relationship skills, and language delays I have noted the use of building and playing with clay characters allow for an increase in social interactions. Perhaps it allows for a psychological safety of playing out behaviors with a character, rather than self? Perhaps this is linked to pretend play, whereby a child may be open to a repertoire of responses that they are emulating and might not otherwise express? It is often via the use of creative play that these children increase flexibility and develop relationship skills.