Are you sharing too much information with your child?

TMI: Too much information?

Recently I've been hearing lots of parents talk about how much is too much information (TMI) when they are talking with their children. Often it's difficult to understand what are healthy boundaries. There is a tendency for parent to over explain situations. I see this happening with young children, whereby a parent will offer a lengthy explanation to their child why they can't have a snack right now. The parent often is providing way too much information and justification as the child melts down into tantrums. This not only happens with toddlers, but I see it in teens and young adults too. Parents lovingly offer up lengthy reasons why their teen shouldn't do something and the teen launches into their version of a teen tantrum with whining, eye rolling, and anger.

Yes, modeling personal boundaries is essential to developing a healthy sense of self in your child. They need to hear you say "no" and they need to learn how to cope with the feelings around not getting what they want. However, there are many ways to set boundaries. You can set a boundary use a brief (one-two sentences) reason why. If it reasonable, allow you child a different choice or an opportunity to come up with a different idea. If you are firm on your decision do not launch into TMI lecture mode, this gives your child a reason to default to tantrums. Here's how you can use this simple strategy with your kids tonight and see changes in how you communicate.

For example, your child wants a candy bar before dinner.

Too much information:
Instead of saying, "You can't have a candy bar you know it's dinner time, you are always wanting to eat something before supper, why don't you do something else instead, like take the dog for a walk, or help me out in the kitchen..."

You could respond this way:
"No you can't have a candy bar before dinner, you can have an apple or grapes instead". (Do not say anything more. If they default to whining mode remind them ONE time of their choice and do not saying anything more)

For example, your pre-teen wants to go to a party with some friends.

Too much information:
Instead of saying, "You're always asking me to go to these parties and I tired of hearing about how all your friends are doing it, because we are not your friends parents, they let them do what ever they want ..."


You could respond this way:
"I don't feel comfortable with you being at this party without knowing who will be there. So I need to talk to the parents before hand if you'd like to go." (Do not say anything more. If they default to whining mode remind them ONE time of their choice and do not saying anything more)

For example, you and your spouse have been arguing in front of the children.

Too much information:
Instead of saying, "Your father is so annoying I can't stand it when he acts like that, he's always doing things to get me mad..."


You could respond this way:
"Your father and I have been not getting along recently and I am sorry you have had to hear us arguing. We are doing our best to try to communicate better and will try to be respectful of your feelings."


When you master TMI you can use it all sort of situations without becoming upset and reactive and you will teach your child healthy and respectful communication. Try it tonight and see how it works. If you need more support we can help, contact us at info@thecreativityqueen.com

Why your behavior may be the cause of your relationship problems and what you can do about it: A lesson learned from my garden hose!

I was working in my garden this morning and found myself struggling with pulling my garden hose from the hose box. As I struggled I began thinking about what we often do when we are stuck trying to solve a problem in our relationships and keep spinning our wheels getting really nowhere.

Let me tell you my lesson learned from grappling with the garden hose. So I set out to water my garden, which is in desperate need of watering and some TLC. I find my garden is a place I can go to when I want some inspiration; however, I was unable to unwind my hose from the box and found that less than inspiring.

I pulled the hose, but it didn't work. So I tried to unwind it from the inside, still nothing. I stood on the box (I know you're not supposed to do that, but I was getting pretty desperate), still no luck. At this point the hose in the box is so jammed I can't get to the attachment to unscrew it. I'm fairly hot, my mood is not so pleasant, my back is aching and I'm thinking about adding the hose task to the "honey do" list.

I stop for few minutes and really think what I want to do. I think about my alternatives. Maybe getting the watering can and going about watering, but that would take a long time. I think about the outcome. If I don't water today some of my plants will shrivel up and die in the heat. I think about waiting for my husband to solve the problem. I'll have to let go of when it will be done, which means my plants may fry. OK, I make a decision I will water today; I am committed to keeping my plants alive. I decide to try tackling the hose one more time before I get the watering can. Since using force doesn't work, and the hose is too tangled in the box, I decide I must try a different route. I found the attachment that links the hose to the outside of the box unscrew it and slowly and gently begin to unravel the hose.

This menial task that took me almost thirty minutes got me thinking about how we approach problems in our relationships. I started to think about the cycle that we default into when problems arise with others in our lives. Often someone we love will say or do something that triggers us. When this happens we may launch into the cycle of being reactive, this can show up as passive/resistant behavior or aggressive/angry behavior. So someone will do or say something that will push your buttons and all of a sudden you are reacting without thinking about what it is that you want and what you need to do to covey what you want.

My struggle with the hose annoyed me and I was reacting by pulling and shoving the hose. It didn't work; it didn't get me what I wanted. So by stopping and thinking about what I wanted, what are my alternatives, what's my desired outcome, and what I am committed to, I found a way to solve the problem. If in your relationships you default to being reactive, try stopping and thinking about what is you want (to be heard, to be understood, to have someone do something) what are your alternatives (wait until you cool down before you respond, ask for something, find a different way to share what you are feeling), what is your desired outcome (to have a closer relationship where there is trust and mutual respect) and what are you committed to (wanting better relationships, making changes in the way you react to others)? Sometimes it's really hard to break out of a pattern of reactivity. Sometimes having someone else help you unravel your proverbial hose in a frustrating and overwhelming situation makes the process of change easier. We would be happy to help you and your family members find new creative ways to improve your communication and build happier relationships. If you'd like help contact us info@thecreativityqueen.com.

Do’s and Don’ts to Keeping a Teen Party Safe

Do’s and Don’ts to Keeping a Teen Party Safe

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Using art therapy to help your child (and yourself) when problems arise!

I had an amazing and inspiring story told to me recently and I wanted to share it with you. If you have ever experienced a challenge or a setback you may have found yourself overwhelmed and confused. As a parent if you have seen your child encounter an obstacle you may have watched as they fell part emotionally trying to figure it out. We all deal with things in a different way; there is no right (or wrong) way to feel when we encounter adversity, however we have a choice what to do in these situations. A mom I know shared with me her daughter's story and they gave me permission to share it with you.

The mom noted her daughter, "had a huge bombshell yesterday morning, and will be resolving the issue over the next week. The college she was attending didn't announce which majors they were dropping until yesterday, and she found out that hers is being dropped. She would have 2 years to complete it, but that can't be done. She had it all mapped out already, and knows that she needs 5 semesters. At first she was pretty upset, but she rebounded quickly. Her choice is changing her major or transferring. There are less than 100 schools that offer the major in the country, and all would be quite costly. Within a few hours she found a related major that should work with what she already has taken, and will let her pursue the same field. Her last comment was that maybe it will actually open more doors that I don't even know about yet". The mom remarked, "I was amazed at the resiliency she had, because she has been so focused in her studies"!

What can we all learn from this remarkable story of graceful resilience? That we all encounter obstacles in life and we are the ones who choose what we decide to do with our experiences. As parents you can allow your child to learn and grow from their experiences. Protecting them from scrapes and tears will not serve them in the long run and sometimes adversity shows us just how remarkable we truly are!

Change is good and we are planning some positive changes over the summer, so keep checking back! I hope the story and the feature article inspires you when you encounter an opportunity for change.

Feature Article: "When you encounter an obstacle what do you do?"

We all want to teach children to be resourceful and resilient. As adults we see the necessity of learning how to cope with difficulties and find the strength and resources to overcome adverse situations. No matter who you are, and how you were raised, there will be times when you encounter problems and you must decide what to do.

Obstacles are opportunities in disguise. Understanding this statement may help you the next time your child (or you) encounters a problem. When your child encounters a problem they are building up their natural abilities to create solutions and figure out how to do or think differently. Our "emergency response system " to the problems we encounter starts to be developed in childhood. If a child learns to get their needs met by a specific behavior they will continue that behavior. Even if they do not get their needs met they may repeat the same behaviors due to learned helplessness.

Think about your own moments when you've struggled with a problem you have no control over. What type of behavior did you exhibit? When this happened did you melt down in tears, stuff your feelings, push through the obstacle, blame others, act helpless, or act out? If you've had these moments you've probably slipped into childlike thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. I'm guessing that you didn't have a parent or adult that modeled appropriate ways to get your needs met or how to communicate what you needed. Although we've all had these moments we can teach children a different way to cope with adversity.

Here are a few things you can do:

1. Lovingly let them struggle

Yup! Sometimes when you jump in to help too quickly you take away an opportunity for your child to learn how to overcome the problem. Unless it is a safety issue, give your child some space to figure it out before you step in. Do this in a gentle loving manner.

2. Offer support not solutions

Rather than jumping in and coming up with answers for them allow your child a chance to talk about their options. Just by listening you allow them an opportunity to figure things out on their own. This works wonderfully with teens!

3. Let them know you love them

Sometimes their solutions will be different than yours. That's OK. They are learning to figure it out in their own way. Reinforce that you love them even when you may not love their choices.

An art activity for you :

As adults when we encounter obstacles and revert back to childlike behaviors we have an opportunity for a "do-over". We can give ourselves what we didn't get as children. Pull out the finger paints or some messy art materials the next time you feel overwhelmed by an obstacle. Create two images. The first image create what you are feeling- allow yourself to express all your emotions. In the second image create marks, colors, and words your inner child would like to hear to help soothe and comfort that aspect of yourself. If you'd like to share your artwork send us an email, we'd love to hear from you.

SCORE Helps Entrepreneur Find a Creative New Direction

SCORE Helps Entrepreneur Find a Creative New Direction

Laura Dessauer decided to put her master's degree in art therapy to use aiding children through her Sarasota business, Creativity Queen LLC. Laura met with Manasota SCORE mentor Wally Bishop for 25 mentoring sessions. She opened her firm in November 2006, just as the Florida economy was beginning to slide. Together with Wally, she developed her strategic plan, trademarked her logo and planned a sales strategy. She wrote a book using the character she created, "Creativity Queen." Wally helped Laura identify opportunities that included multiple product lines to give her more revenue options. She not only offers direct art therapy, but she’s expanded her business into 12-week courses for children, plus a book and DVD available commercially. SCORE provided mentoring on business planning, sales planning, financing, leasing, marketing planning and publishing. Laura Dessauer was honored by Manasota SCORE as client of the year in 2007 for her first year of success. She says the SCORE honor brought her publicity and credibility and helped more people find out about her business.

"What I learned from SCORE continues to help me make it through the recession. SCORE mentoring helped prepare me, so I could double revenue for four months and have a cushion as the recession continues." —Laura Dessauer, owner, Creativity Queen

Laura's first year in business was profitable and she added her first employee. Her second year revenue grew 20 percent and she continued to be profitable. As the recession took hold in Florida, Laura says, "SCORE helped me lay the foundation, so I could be nimble and effective in adjusting my product offerings in the fall of 2008. SCORE mentoring helped prepare me, so I could double revenue for four months and have a cushion as the recession continues." Laura adds, "I wholeheartedly recommend SCORE. The business experience and knowledge my counselor shared helped guide me through unfamiliar territory and set up a path forward to meet my goals. What I learned from SCORE continues to help me make it through the recession. I'm ahead in revenue for 2009. I'll be back in touch with my mentor to brainstorm ideas and look ahead to the next six months and how to stay profitable in 2009." From the SCORE website: http://www.score.org/success_creativity_queen.html

CREATIVITY QUEEN MAKES NATIONAL NEWS!

The Creativity Creativity Queen's success is featured on SCORE's national website and in the Statement to the U.S. House Small Business Committee Subcommittee on Rural Development, Entrepreneurship and Trade U.S. House of Representatives on April 2, 2009!

Art Therapy and Employment

National Institutes of Health (CLICK HERE) has a tremendous amount of information that will help with answering any art therapy questions you may have about the profession, salary, requirements and much more. This is well worth your time to read and if you have any comments or questions please post them!