Mom who kicked her children out of the car- What are your thoughts?

Almost every parent has felt this way. However, what is the message that you are teaching your child if you can't control your anger and you act with aggression? Many of the parents I work with have great success in helping their child get back in control through the use of consequences. When you are calm, before a car trip, explain what is expected and what the consequences will be if they don't listen (i.e not electronics for the evening). A warning tends to help- however, you must follow through or it just won't work!!

Are you raising a codependent child? Three things you need to know!

Are you raising a codependent child? I know, the statement sounds quite alarmist. However, I see many children in my practice whose parents are teaching them codependent behaviors and they are not even aware of what they are doing!

Read the article below to ensure you are not doing the three things below. If you find yourself falling into these traps it is time to make a change!

Feature Article: "Are you raising a codependent child? Three things you need to know"

In the past codependency was associated with person who enabled an alcoholic or drug addict. These days codependency has become associated with emotional dependencies in a relationship. All relationships involve a dependency on another person to some extent. However, when an individual compromises their own values and wants to avoid rejection and anger they are exhibiting codependent behaviors.

The reason why this is so important for parents to understand is that its origins start in childhood. So if you are doing the following three things you may be planting the seeds of codependency.

1. Being inflexible ( or the type A- "Superparent")

If you are the type of person who has a rigid plan of how and when things are done you do not allow your child an opportunity to voice their choice. If you are so in control of their schedule, their food choices, their clothing choices, or their playmates you are restricting your child from having the opportunity to explore their choices. You send out a message loud and clear to your child that they are not responsible for their choices or decisions and someone else has all the power. As they grow older they are likely to seek out relationships in which someone else has all the power and control.

What can you do? Allow your child some freedom of choice. If it is not a safety issue then it is negotiable. Let go of the need to be in control so you child has the freedom to grow and learn, even from their mistakes!

2. Having your child meet your needs

I know many parents who fall into this trap but do not see that they are doing this. If you are not fulfilling yourself in other areas of your life, like your relationships, your work, or your passions, you may default to living vicariously thorough your child. When you spend more energy on your child's interests and less on what gives your life meaning and pleasure you model codependent self-sacrificing behaviors. You also unconsciously teach your child that their value comes from pleasing you. The cute "look mom" behavior phase that most kids go through when they want your approval may continue into adulthood.

What can you do? Get your own needs met with positive relationships and ways to replenish yourself. Instead of constant praise ask your child how they thought they did. Encourage them to self-praise.

3. Wanting to solve problems for them

When they come home and talk about a mean peer or a problem at school what do you do? Do you react and rescue, slipping into your parent problem-solver mode and coming up with a plan of action? Essentially you are taking control of their ability to solve the problems they are encountering. This sends your child the message that they are not competent or responsible enough to figure out how to solve their problems and that someone else needs to do it for them. Imagine what this will look like as they become adults? Will they find relationships in which another person will tell them what to do?

What can you do? Safety first, everything else is negotiable! If it is not a physical or psychological safety issue allow your child the opportunity to figure out how to solve the problem. If you LISTEN, without offering advice, your child will likely figure out some things they can do differently.

The reason why so many children have success in our programs is that we offer a safe place for them to explore their thoughts, feelings, and choices. When given an opportunity, children will come up with ways to solve their problems. As adults we can offer support and encouragement as they explore their choices.

One last important thing. If you find that you are doing one or more of the behaviors above, congratulations! That's right, Congratulations! Why? Because it means that you are aware of what you are doing, and awareness is the first step in making changes. So the next time you notice you are defaulting to one of the behaviors above, STOP, and explore what other things you can do. If you'd like more support we would be happy to help you. Email us at info@thecreativityqueen.com or call us at (941)504-8498.

Using art therapy to discover what is truly important to you

Times are changing. Although you (or someone you know) may be experiencing fear and uncertainty, there is also opportunity for growth and clarity. If we quiet the busyness of our thoughts and our actions we can take time to reflect on our core values.

So what if we graciously set aside any fears of finances, just for a few minutes? If we acknowledged any fear or worries we've been carrying about in our head and in our hearts? Can we place these worries aside, just for a bit, so we can honestly look at what our heart is trying to tell us?

So give yourself a bit of space to really LISTEN to your inner voice.

And ask yourself gently, "What is it I long for?"

Allow yourself to use the art materials to explore this question.

As I take the time to answer this I feel my heart stir with emotions longing for hope, healing, being the light in my own life, loving speaking my truth, listening deeply to my soul, being compassionate and loving, uplifting and inspiring, by opening my heart to what's so truly important to me- family and friends, compassion and acceptance, LOVE and such pure and simple things.

Can you gently acknowledge what it is that you treasure and hold this image in your heart and in your head as you go throughout the day? As the worries or fears arise can you gracefully remind yourself of what is truly important to you?

It is in these moments of vulnerability that we can see clearly what is so important.

So how in this moment can you honor what is truly important?

Are you ready for the art of transformation?

Are you looking to transform your life? Do you desire to shift from stuck thoughts and actions, trying desperately to change other people or circumstances in your life, and still experiencing more of the same?

If you are looking to tap into your creativity to 'unstuck' your life and transform your life (and the lives of those around) you then you have landed in the right spot. We are celebrating the amazing successes of the Professional Creative Solutions Certification Program Participants! These individuals are committed to making BIG BOLD changes in their lives, and the lives of others, and they are creating new ways of thinking by tapping into their creative possibilities. It is an honor to watch the shifts in their lives, and the lives of those they love, as they discover creative ways to change and grow. As one participant expressed, " I always knew these things, but never understood exactly how to express it to help others, now I get it- how simple!" So if you are ready to play big and make changes in your life we are offering a NEW Professional Creative Solutions Certification PROGRAM this Spring. Click here to learn more about this remarkable transformational process!!

Art Therapy Personal Exploration:"Selfish vs. Self love"

"Selfish vs. Self love"

Have you ever been called selfish? It's a weighted word that can quickly induce guilt. Interesting enough, as adults we tend to inflict it upon ourselves and those we love quite readily. When we claim that someone is being selfish aren't we just expressing our dislike of how they are handing a situation? Aren't we just passing judgement on what someone else is doing?

If we act from a place of being "selfless", and giving others what they need, aren't we acting like martyrs or victims- and doesn't that lead to being resentful when these acts are not appreciated? It is so easy to default to these cycles of giving to others and believing our needs are secondary, that we should act "selfless". Yet, it is inevitable we will end up resentful and hurt that these pious deeds have gone unnoticed.

Can we shift to thinking about self love instead?-To the realization that when we take care of our own needs we do not ever put another person in the position of trying to meet our needs or that we are responsible for their needs. How freeing!

When we respect ourselves enough to listen to and nurture our own needs first we can be there for others in ways we never could when we are depleted, tired, overwhelmed, or just plain EMPTY.

So here's a playful art activity to help you shift from thinking your behaviors are selfish to self loving. Take a large piece of paper and draw a line down the middle. On one side of the page use markers, crayons, or any art materials that you desire, and create images or words of things you do, think, or feel that you consider "selfish". On the other side of the paper create images or words of things you do, think, or feel, that are self-loving, self-nurturing, or self-honoring. Reflect on what you have learned about yourself through this process of self-discovery.

Art Therapy and Children: Do You Rescue?

There are tremendous opportunities to learn and grow and at times this involves allowing those that we love to make choices and learn from natural consequences. There's a term for those who hover over their children's choices, helicopter parenting. These parents rush in solve the problems for their children, without allowing them an opportunity to lean and grow from their experiences. Many parents are unsure of how to support their children and are fearful of not doing the "right" thing. The feature article provides some insights to help guide you as you support and encourage your loved ones (of all ages). If you have a relationship of any kind, with a spouse, friend, parent, or child, then you have encountered someone else making a decision you would never dream of doing. There is pain seeing that person making a choice your know in your heart is just not the "right" decision for them. Ironically, the closer we are to the person, the more we believe we know what's right for them, and often we will make comments or demands upon them, based upon our knowing what's best. We would never dream of telling our co-worker what they are wearing is wrong and they should change, yet it becomes almost a duty to be hypercritical about what our spouse or children are wearing or doing. Often when tasks that are delegated to those in the household are not completed, we jump in to do it. Heaven forbid your child wear wrinkled clothes to school because they left their laundry on the floor. Most parents who rescue fear what others might think or that things won't get done exactly right, or if they don't control the situation their child may fail or get hurt. Most people rescue because they love those around them and they don't want to see them hurt. However, rescuing sets up a whole new set of problems. The person you rescue doesn't get to learn from their actions. They don't learn how to self-correct, or make changes when they are off course, since they have had someone doing that for them. They don't learn how to overcome obstacles and when they do arise (and they always do) they are unprepared. I've had many young adults in my office who just didn't know how to handle tough stuff because their parents did it for them when they were growing up. The question that most people ask is how do they know when to intervene. The first question to ask, is it a safety issue? Meaning if you don't intervene will someone get hurt physically? If it is a safety issue, step in and set a boundary. All other issues are not black and white. I love to challenging parents to talk out the choices and consequences with their children. For tasks such as homework and household chores personal accountability works wonders. Have a neutral discussion (without getting emotional about the topic) and develop a contract to help identify what will be done and what are the consequences. Contracts do work, when they are done right, meaning they are respectful of each person's needs and there is an incentive to change for both parties. For things such as bullying at school or children who are having emotional problems a more supportive role is necessary. Parents often step in too early and attempt to stop bullying, which may cause more social problems for their children. Brainstorm with your child solutions, allow them to test some out before you become involved. If things continue to be a problem and it becomes a psychological safety issue, there may be a need for more direct involvement. Encourage your child to take part in choosing their consequences. If they have done something wrong, ask them to come up with the consequences. You'll be amazed at how they will learn from this, with less tantrums and more personal accountability. Here's the important part to remember, those who rescue others become resentful. They will do, and do, and do, and then finally get upset that everyone treats them disrespectfully and takes advantage of them. Stop the cycle of rescuing so you don't fall into this pattern, and you allow others an opportunity to learn. Here's a creative activity to help you identify times when you rescue. Take out a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle. On the left side write the word rescue and on the right side write the word support. Fill in the page with images and words of times when you rescue (what you say and do) and what it might look like if you supported that person instead.

Two Words That Will Change Your Life

Perfectionism, as defined by the Merriam-Webster Dictionary is a disposition to regard anything short of perfection as unacceptable. I see this with individuals of all ages, from the child who has a melt down because their art project doesn't look just right, to the teen who has an eating disorder because she feels in adequate, to the mom who feels like she has to stay on top of everything in the household or things will fall apart, to the professional who is driven to achieve success, yet never feels satisfied. I believe that the drive to be perfect is so ingrained in our culture from the media's portrayal of perfect homes and bodies on TV and in magazines; to our homes, where parents struggle to work, pay the bills, keep a tidy house, take their children to endless activities and appointments, monitor homework, and make last minute baked goods for the fundraiser at school. What are the implications of living a perfectionist life and what can you do about it? People who feel the need to be perfect judge their value based upon what they have achieved. If they fail to meet their expectations on one aspect of a project they may consider the whole project a failure. These individual's cultivate their self-worth based upon the outcomes and compare themselves against these standards (self-imposed, yet influenced by what others look like, have, or achieved). We are all guilty of this to some extent, yet when this is the sole way we operate it becomes a concern, because whatever you do will never be good enough.You will either chase more and more things to make you feel happier, or you may just not try at all doing things that may potentially embarrass you or expose your inability. As a parent you have a tremendous influence upon your child and if you seek perfectionism by trying to be, do, have it all, your child will do the same. If you convey to your child their self-worth is linked to what they do or how they act, you have modeled perfectionism. Rather that praising outcomes, like rewards for good grades, parents can emphasize qualities the child exhibited to achieve their goals, such as persistence and dedication. Life is a learning process, and by demanding or criticizing when things aren't just right (for your standards) you diminish learning opportunities. So rather that stepping in to solve a problem for your child or rescue them from "doing it wrong", give them an opportunity to try, offer support by asking them what they need from you. Yes, this may lead to a poor grade, a messy room, or a sibling conflict, but the rewards are so much bigger- developing problem solving skills, learning natural consequences, and the realization that what you do is different from who you are. As an adult if you were raised with high expectations or critical parents who didn't teach you to problem solve but told you what to do instead, you may be a perfectionist. Your need for order and control may prevent you from having meaningful vulnerable relationships because of your fears that your imperfections may be exposed. Many people who are perfectionists stay really busy to avoid some of the deep feelings they have. They may be fearful of being overwhelmed with emotions, and choose to shut down or shut off their feelings. What you need to know is that your desire for psychological safety keeps you from having wonderfully open relationships. It also keeps you chronically feeling bad, because you are never good enough. Here's the secret, it's truly about self-acceptance and self-love. When you are able to embrace all aspects of yourself, things you consider both good and bad, you open the door to living a more fulfilled and happier life- not only for you, but those around you too. So here are the two words that will change your life: good enough. If you want to explore this deeper take out some basic art materials and a big piece of paper. Make a line down the middle of the paper. On the left side make a drawing or use collage images to create an image of your critical self (however that may look) and the right side make an image of your accepting self. See what the image and the process uncovers. Practice this week saying "good enough" when you are trying too hard to do things just right. If you'd like to learn more, click here for an easy to read article in Psychology Today. Woman with Flower by Naomi Long Madgett I wouldn't coax the plant if I were you. Such watchful nurturing would do harm. Let the soil rest from so much digging And wait until it's dry before you water it. The leaf's inclined to find its own direction; Give it a chance to seek sunlight for itself. Much growth is stunted by careful prodding, Too eager tenderness. The things we love we have to learn to leave alone.